Coming Out of the Closet. Everything Changes.

Writing a blog where you tell family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and a few strangers what happens in your life means that sometimes you have to share the negatives as well as the positive,  the good and the not so good.  I have been silent for some time now and I know, at least a few of my readers are wondering what is up.

It could be that like my friend Greg I am working 90 hours a week in an elite NYC restaurant or like my friend Nassirou in Niger I have been suffering from interrupted internet and electric service. It could be that I have been in the hospital losing my other appendix or I could be lost on a bus in le Marche or escaping to Livorno for a few days of well-needed R&R. Well it is not any of those things. I have not even lost my wallet, thought it is by now quite empty.

There is no easy way to talk about this but I know I will feel relieved when I click on publish so here goes. And please no one call me or tell me they are sorry. I want no pity and I have no regrets. When I quit the lawyer game to become a chef I knew there were changes brewing, perhaps a Mackerel Sky and of course, I did not think it all through so I really had no plan much less a backup plan or plan B.

Before I write further, I will say that had I not quit when I did; had I not changed my life so dramatically when I did, I would now be dead. I know it as sure as I know my father loves me. A heart attack, stroke or suicidal depression would have finished me off by now so I am not sorry about it but I am sad. Sad but alive, physically fit, healthy, feeling younger and stronger than I have in many years.

My wife Mary and I are through. We have very amicably, without recrimination or anger or umbrage decided to end the struggle to stay together. Almost one year to the day from when I ran to the bus, jumped on the train and then the plane to return to Mary we are letting it all go. After all, we are both divorce mediators so be cannot become the horror story we have fought against for so long. I guess the best way to describe it is that we have grown apart, our interests, once united are no longer so. Mary and I have different aspirations for what the balance of our lives should look like so we are letting each other go. Yes, I am sad but I will not look back at the past 11 years as being wasted. They were not wasted. I prefer to look at them as 99 percent successful. Everything in my life that has occurred up to now has made me who I am and led me to where I am and where I am going.

Though I can only speak for myself, we have accomplished a great deal during the past 11 years. I won’t bore you with the details. Most of the details are discussed somewhere in the past 233 posts. However, one cannot live on past accomplishments rather you must live each day for the next.

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
— William W. Purkey

The only living things that follow the advice in this quote are our beloved dogs.

So, I gave it my best, I gave it my all, the truth be told it almost killed me several ways, several times. I loved her but it is no longer worth the struggle and she agrees. As we speak Mary is moving on with her life and I mine. I will fight to remain friends to the end and to play a role in the  4 children’s lives, as much as they allow. I need to move forward. Pull myself up by my boot straps and throw self pity out the door like a unwelcome former friend. I need to push forward and not look back and I will. I am sure of it. Writing this post is the first step.

If you remain interested I will be back. All will be good.

My first dog was given to me by my brother Rick who will no doubt read this. His name was Baron and he was scheduled for lethal injection like millions of other throw-a-way pets each year. Baron brought joy to my life in so many ways but the facial expressions of a Golden Retrieve are truly priceless. Windows to their perfect souls. That is why I have chosen these images for this post. The heading  is a painting by renown Swedish painter and a long ago relation of mine, Otto Hesselblom. The lake is Animin in Dalsland where Mary and my Red Hus is located. My Swedish brother Han’s and I fish on that lake each summer as did out grandfathers, great grandfathers and great great grandfathers etc. Otto was a great, great, great cousin 3rd removed, or something like that but he painted the landscape like no one else.

No regrets.